Red petals float as wings of thorn stem
fluttering down slow
love’s darkness den
Six feet measures eternity depth
bagpipes do vibrate
memory’s breath
Red petals float as wings of thorn stem
arranged in shadows
by past kinsmen
Six feet measures eternity depth
my span as a man
no bridge to death
Red petals float as wings of thorn stem
the last flower tossed
a whispered amen
Six feet measures eternity depth
bagpipes drone faintly
echo love’s rest
Call me Hanq 
dang man…six feet down and bagpiped…i like the bags honestly…and the flows, tight bit of rhyme man and great cadence
Thank you, Brian.
what i really noticed here was the excellent rhythm and the word choice–true to Irish! Beautifully sad 😦
Thank you, that is what I was reaching for, an Irish rhythm. EVen used me best irish accent to read.
A seemingly simple poem underlaid with subtle expression of heartbreak, emphasised by the repetition.
‘Bagpipes’ is all one word.
Thank you. I am geting better with english. I’ll fix up the bagpipes. I apprciate your comment!!!
..Six feet measures eternity depth…was like a punch in the stomach..i like that you took red petals and not white – one would expect white more than red in a poem on death but think the red convey the deep feelings and passion…also think the bagpipes are very creative. the only two lines that IMO feel a bit weak in an otherwise very strong poem are
Chariot swings low
As Angels bless
Thank you, Claudia. This was a last minute poem as another idea wasn’t panning it. That was one of two stanzas I wasn’t that thrilled with. I too liked the measure of eternity line. I appreciate your help.
Clever use of a duel refrain – six feet and red petals ( although if used at the start of a line, I think its called something else!) with the use of a range of end rhyming strategies( true rhyme and various slant rhymes). This helps avoids it becoming sing-song and clichéd). Each stanza also has a visual snippet that is often overlayed with sound/musical reference( bagpipes, chariot swings low) And it narrates over a story arch that is literally in seconds. Not sure what the metre strategy was but it has a wonderful feel in the mouth/jaw when read so probably something to so with a lot of vowels and simple words.My only niggles are layout and a spelling, Would it look better if laid out like this? i assume you have gone for capitals per line for a traditional feel but this may be at odds with the lack of punctuation. And isn’t it bagpipes?
Red petals float as one with stem
A slow flutter down
To her darkness den
Six feet measures eternity depth
Bag pipes play
A dirge of death
Red petals float as one with stem
Swallowed by shadows
Hiding my gem
Overall, I found it a refreshing “story” poem with subtle emotional underpinning..I can imagine this being song, very simply almost in a traditionally folk way
Thank you, the center layout was a last minute thing. This was a last second poem and yes I should know how to spell better 🙂 The piece I was working wasn’t panning out. I’ll try to get these things starightened out. I appreciate your comments.
I see what Claudia means about chariots and angels, but the eternital of six feet and the red rose caught in my throat like a sob.
Thank you, Sally. I too liked the red rose choice and the measure of eternity. I plan on working on the chariots line a lil. It was a last minute poem and it was what it was:)
Like the movement and shape of this Henry… builds up a nice swing.. Personally, I think I would find this easier on the eye with no capitals.. would further enhance the flow for me..
The alternating first line of each stanza is also effective… but I wonder if you might be able to find some less familiar words in some places… for example, I find ‘dirge of death’ a little predictable… perhaps you could use a specialist bagpipe term like drone instead of dirge?
The repetition in tercet form works really well. I love the ‘chariots swing low’ line, as I sang that at a funeral, it seemed really appropriate.
The only niggle is the word ‘death’ which doesn’t seem neccessary as you paint such a vivid picture with your other words. Also ‘bagpipes play’ is just 3 syllables and doesn’t scan as well as the other tercets where the middle line is 5 syllables. If I may?
Six feet measures eternity depth
Highland pipes sweep
A dirge to the blessed
Thank you, Avril. That was one stanza I had issues with too, but it was a rush job. I plan on trying to rework it later in the day. Thanks again for your comments.
Hi Henry…
so beautiful… love both these lines…
Red petals float as one with stem
and
Six feet measures eternity depth
I love the bag pipes and the Swing Low reference, it lets me experience the actual service…
IMHO… what if the stanza Claudia refers to used more of those lyrics… although I know it hurts your rhyme… (and this is the exact moment I want to delete my comments and run 😉
Six feet measures eternity depth
Chariot swings low
to carry you home
p.s. miss the tree, love the leather bound journal look… really cool.
I still have the tree. It is on a separate page listed above. And yes, I am happy with the new look. It is much cleaner and easier to read.
Henry! Damn…this was awesome and this was felt! Love that you brought in the bagpiper…for reasons of mine alone, his presence means much. You have spoken to my bloodline with this write…and as for the critical eye, why, my own has yet to open! 😉
Thank you. BUT, you can practice that critical eye on me. I would very much like to read your critique; espcially yours. Please feel free. Hope you have a great day.
I love all of it. The repeating lines give it a musical, lyrical effect
Yes, a good rewrite, except for one teeny weeny line…in the 4th tercet;
Six feet measures eternity depth
my height as a man
can’t reach in death –
(last line doesn’t scan for me, the rhythm doesn’t flow as the others do), if I may?
Six feet measures eternity depth
my height as a man
caught out in death
Nice revison!
Nice revision!
Beautiful, sad and just so moving when read aloud.
I love the revised one…sad and touching lines specially these:
Six feet measures eternity depth
I like how the sense are working together with the mind:
Vision…
“fluttering down slow
love’s darkness den”
Sound…
“bagpiper vibrates
memory’s breath”
Wake-up curiosity…
“arranged in shadows
by past kinsmen”
Then you go on to the mind needing to work…
“my span as a man
no bridge to death”
Back to vision and sound…
“the last flower tossed
a whispered amen”
Then to the spiritual…
“between me and your
heavenly rest”
Just paying a quick visit here Henry as I’m still doing major critiques on those that haven’t had any feedback yet. A truly stunning piece. Love the double refrains, they’re extremely effective. Is this a standard form or one that you’ve invented, if so bravo! The only lines that aren’t working for me are these.
between me and your
heavenly rest
‘me and your just feels clumsy to me when i read it out loud which is a shame because the flow in the rest of the piece is both flawless and effortless. I can’t offer an alternative suggestion at the moment but will think on it and come back if that’s ok.
Thank you, Cary. I am not pleased with the final stanza either. I’m helping someone a project this afternoon, but tonight I plan on revisiting the undefined – imageless my and your.
Thank you also for your kind words.
I haven’t read every poem in the world to say I invented this, but I haven’t seen it before with repeating first lines. It just developed and read well.
Anyway, thank you again. And look forward to your return visit.
I love this, Henry. You captured the feeling of a funeral and those left behind so well with your chosen words.
I love the use of bagpipes in this powerful piece!
Your light touch is astounding and the poem has your natural style which i enjoy more with every poem – with the great advice and the re write i think this is great.
Big ups my friend a pleasure
Roses are a favorite symbol of mine. The wings/stems line is mighty and musical. The overall effect is quite musical with all its allusions. If you’re a musician, think you could expand for a song. Well done. G
Love the revision, Henry.
Pamela
I read the first “draft” but couldn’t comment. Now I know why. I liked this the first time, was going to say that the flow and rhythm played like the pipes for me. But this… So good. I really appreciate being able to read the “before” and “after.” I’m learning, and this was a great lesson. Thank you, Henry.
I am sorry I missed the first version but, I really like your write and felt like I was at the funeral especially with the bagpiper vibrates your phrases are very expressive and have a lot of sadness and want in them. Reality.
Very powerful writing to my mind – both emotionally and rhythmically. 🙂
Nice one, Henry. Someone in my neighborhood will occasionally bring out his pipes at sunset, your syllabic strokes do echo that sound.
My only quibble may be from ignorance, but I do not entirely understand the first refrain line, and in a poem as spare as this, that makes a lot of not understanding. I’m good on “red petals float” and “petals float as wings”, but “wings of thorn stem” is a concept cluster that loses me. If the petals are floating, they can’t wing the stem, so I must be reading it wrong. I think I know what you mean, and I do like compact phrasing, but hate that I feel I’m missing something so important that it is bearing the weight of the poem.
The form: I like it for this piece, Have you tried it for anything else? If you built it yourself, it’s a keeper.
Stunning write Henry…so well done..did not read the original…but the revised is Beautiful…love the form…bkm
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