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Sprung

 

One pearl is barred from a pasture of sod.

It will blame doubt, like dying from cook’s oil;

It scatters from a brightness, like the booze of toil

Flushed. When do gems then bleed heart red with fraud?

Accusations half flawed, half flawed, half flawed;

And straw is smeared with jade; jeered, steared to spoil;

And stone stands judged and stares past hell: old soil

Is new now, for man’s soul feels, being god.

 

And from womb’s bliss, babies are heaven’s scent;

Prayer gives the rarest, truest, fresh gold rings;

And slow the fast nights cough the brushed west spent

See, dawning, as the bronze glaze eastward, sings – –

Applaud the holy pearl’s lone assent

Jeweled harps with worn crests cry with awe!  sprung strings.

 

A weak attempt at Sprung Rhythm for dVerse

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9 thoughts on “Sprung

  1. i don’t think it’s weak at all henry…i’m not quite sure how the form exactly works but for me, if you manage to carry the reader rhythmically through the poem, you did a a good job..and you did…
    And straw is smeared with jade; jeered, steared to spoil;

    And stone stands judged and stares past hell: old soil…this is awesome

  2. Henry, this is fantastic! Generations have trod have trod have trod, but not so carefully (and successfully) as this. You take the Hopkins poem and make it your own in a really delightful and thoughtful way. So that there’s the tongue in cheek of the Hopkins, but it’s also your own. Really enjoyed. K.

  3. i think you are able to get a nice rhythm going….and to me that is the most important part in this…finding that music…where this is different for me is it seems to allow the piece to find the rhythm rather than having it dictated…some pretty cool visuals and thoughts along the way…

  4. YOU ROCKED THIS! Henry…beautiful, timeless with your style and voice in tact. A flawless read…as mentioned, found the form BRUTAL…so no comments RE that…but just a fantastic write…Awesome-sauce! 🙂 Happy Friday!

  5. Henry there is a lot to like in this poem. Considerable word play working inside and outside of the ideas. There is a revolt within your images that is fresh and thrilling.

    But I’m going to agree with you here; not that your poem is weak but that you’ve weakened your stresses. I think a red pencil could make this a kick-a** poem by process of elimination. Look at your “and’s” and “is’s” and see if you can’t feel ok about excising them. This will strengthen your verbs. Also, their use here turns your feet to iambs. Also, while the repetition of “half-flawed” is effective you have room to use internal rhyme here to an even greater “hammering” effect – I’m thinking clawed, hawed, etc. (Just an idea). Nothing wrong with what you’ve written here Henry, but I think there’s potential for this to be even stronger, and more fierce!

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